Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It's my birthday & I'll cry if I want to!!!!

Booo... I'm 27!  Or 21 for the 6th time? Whichever way you want to look at it.

I wanted to go see the ocean for my birthday =/  no gifts, no cake, just drive straight to the ocean on the shortest route with the kids and husband.  He said it was cool so I was set to go... then June 11 happened and I'm stuck to a wound vac. 

ugh.....oh well, not much I can do about it.  My mom is coming over for lunch and my kid sis & kid brother are coming over tonight.  I wish I could drink but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to.  I guess that one wouldn't hurt, but that'd just be a tease.

I called Dr. Bradley's office yesterday to see if he had signed a note for my gym, just saying the date that I had surgery so I could put a hold on my account and the secretary Mary Ann said that he didn't feel comfortable writing a note.  WHAT THE F!?  Ok, I pay you 18,000 freaking DOLLARS and you make my life MISERABLE for 7 weeks and counting... AND YOU CAN'T WRITE ME A NOTE THAT SAYS, "GINGER HAD SURGERY MAY 13, 2011" ??!?!?!?!?!?!?  Ewwwwww I'M FIRED UP!!!!!!!!   My gym membership costs $700 per year for our family (including daycare) and they were nice enough to put my account on hold IF and only IF they got something in writing from my surgeon stating the date I had surgery.  AND HE WON'T?!?!?!!?  THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!

Ok, rant is over.  I will deal with these emotions when I'm healthy and have the fight back in me.  I'm only going on partial steam.  But when I get better... ahh... better leave it at that.  Happy f'n birthday to me!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months
over-analyzing a situation;
trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've,
would've happened....
or you can just leave the pieces on the floor
and move the fuck on.
-Tupac

I got to meet Dr. Reid yesterday at Dr. Camp's office.  He looked at the wounds and said everything is healing nicely and healthy looking so my fear's are gone.  I will probably be over-cautious for life considering what I've been through, so when I had increased pain, an elevated temperature, redness and yellow drainage I wanted to see a doctor!  My temp had come back down by the time I went in yesterday so I think whatever made it spike, my body fought off.

My mom came over yesterday and bought me this to match my bikini... http://www.keysswimwear.com/Becca_2011_Hot_Tempered_Cover_Up_p/5060171.htm  I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!  Here's a pic of my bikini, but I have it in a bright yellow =)  
I'm sure I'll take pictures of me wearing it altogether soon!

It's nice to think that even with these wounds, I'll still eventually get to be in a bikini... might be next summer but that's ok, I can live with that =)  I'm alive and healing quickly, I have that to be thankful for.  Marky came home last night and I was so happy to see him and to spend time with my mom #2 and Matt.  I'm so blessed to have such an amazing family and extended family!

Here are some pictures of the wound from yesterday... Beth says that the skin is starting to curl under which means that the wound will stop healing and she said that Dr. Reid may want to seperate them and open it up a little so the skin continues to pull together.  However, Dr. Reid said that he saw no reason to do that and he wouldn't plan a reconstruction for a year!  WHAT?!  I told him Dr. Camp said she would close it up in 3-4 weeks after the wound vac was on as long as everything healed smoothly and he said, "Oh, yeah, well okay."   Derf-dee-derf!  Geez, the last thing I need is another doctor's opinion that is totally off-based considering he doesn't know much about me, my past or my expectations.  Blah.

Anyway, here are the pics from yesterday =)   If you compare these with the pictures I took 2 weeks ago, you can see how much I've healed... it's amazing!






Sunday, June 26, 2011

6 weeks, 2 days post op....

I haven't shared pictures of the breast work because I have family that reads this blog but for those of you who would like to see how the augmentation looks, you can view it here:  http://www.makemeheal.com/pictures/breast-augmentation-implants/6-weeks-post-op-p148599

As far as I'm concerned, neither the breast augmentation or the body lift was a successful surgery =(

I am now over 6 weeks post op and more and more anxious about what my results will be.  On Wednesday I experienced cold sweats and then Thursday had increased pain, swelling and redness.  Friday, nurse Beth came out and my temperature was elevated, had yellow drainage and the pain was still increased so she suggested I go in to see Dr. Reed (Dr. Camp is out of town and Dr. Reed is the doctor she practices with).  After speaking with Susan (Dr. Reed's nurse), she decided that I should wait until Monday to come in.  This weekend hasn't been too rough on me, thanks to my #2 mom that took my son for the weekend, SO helpful =) =) =)  I've been worried about him having fun this summer and he got to attend a picnic with a parade and carnival rides and then go out to a creek for some fishing and fun.  I am so happy she offered to take him for the weekend so he could enjoy some time with her, her son Matt & husband Robert. 

I have received SO many cards in the mail from church members of Kathy's (mom #2 lol) and it gives me such an amazing and warm hearted feeling.  I am cared about and prayed for by people I don't even know.  God is working is mysterious ways =)  One gift that came in the mail was a daily scripture book and I really like it... today's scripture really hit home:

"Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what.
Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day.
Nothing takes Me by surprise.
I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me.
I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents.
Collaborating with me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles.
Awareness of My Presence contains JOY that can endure all eventualities."

-Jude 24-25; 2 Corinthians 4:16-17-

I have never been one for much spiritual thought; I believe in God and believe in the power of prayer but I'm lazy when it comes to church and spiritual activities.  Having this traumatic event occur to me has caused me to reach out to God in a way I never have before.  When I was being wheeled back to the operating room to remove the pus pocket, I prayed that God keep me alive for my family, so that they did not have to endure the loss... but if it was my time, I prayed for God to keep them strong and guide them through the healing.  It was maybe the first time I've been afraid for my life and really leaned on prayer to get me through my terror.

Since then, I have met so many spiritual people that have prayed or sproken about God to me.  The nurses at the hospital, mom #2, my nurse Beth and my mother have all talked to me about how life will have obstacles that you can't handle alone and sometimes God is the one you have to lean on.  I have been surprised that so many people around me talk openly about their spiritual beliefs and feel comfortable to pray out loud with me.  Truly an amazing feeling and such a strong sign that I need to get closer to God and start teaching the kids. 

I am blessed to be alive and to have such a strong support system =) 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

the SNAP =)

My home nurse, Beth, told me yesterday that she's inspired by my weight loss and has started working out and is planning on changing her lifestyle to a healthier one for her and her children.  It made me happy to have an affect on someone in such a positive way.  After she left, I was telling my mom about what persuaded me to lose the weight and she said that it was a good story and I should share it so others know.

So... here goes...  Around September/October of 2007, my brother asked me & Mark to go to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game with him and his girlfriend.  I was weighing around 265-275 at this point in time.  The stadium had just been built a couple years prior and it would be my first time to go and see it so I was pretty excited, even though I'm not a big fan of baseball.

We get to the game and I go to sit down and I couldn't believe it, I DIDN'T FIT IN THE SEAT! I have a tiny little butt, really, no junk in the trunk, and I had to wedge myself into this seat =/  My stomach was literally resting on the arm rests and I couldn't get myself in the seat enough to reach the back of it.  I was mortified.  And what's worse, Mark and I were next to the aisle so any time someone needed out of our row, we had to stand up.  I was so uncomfortable the whole time!!!  Then something happened which I call, "the snap."  I decided at that point in time I was going to diet until I was skinny. I would not give up until I reached the lowest weight I could.  I just snapped and went into diet mode.  It became an addiction!

The image stuck in my mind and I used the anger, depression and insecurity to fuel my desire to lose weight.  I started out with the fad diets... I drank a slim fast shake for breakfast, a slim fast shake for lunch and either a subway 6" sub or a grilled chicken breast with vegetables for dinner and that was it! No snacking, no fat, no anything =/  I was able to pull this off for about 2-3 weeks and then was so frustrated that I decided to try something else.  My next attempt was a trip to GNC to buy some diet pills.  I chose hydroxycut and cut my diet to max 800 calories.  Horrible idea!  I was running on a treadmill and had just started Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred, so of course the weight came off fast but I was so hungry and starting to have serious headaches and body aches.  The last bad idea I had was a juice diet.  I researched on the internet how to detox and begin a new, healthier lifestyle and stumbled upon this idea.  For 3 days I drank juice and water, no food or any solids... just straight juice.  My dinner was chicken broth. I don't know WHAT I was thinking LOL!!!  

By November, 2007 I figured out that even though I had lost a lot of weight quickly (around 25lbs in a month), I was going about it all wrong.  I felt like crap every day and I noticed I was starting to drink a lot more alcohol than I used to.  I, again, got online to research dieting.  I had never learned how to eat healthy and sizable portions.  I stumbled upon caloriecount.about.com and November 5, 2007 became the last 1st day of my diet =)

I began writing journals, researching calories in different foods, looking up recipes and planning out my diet by the week.  I wanted to stick around 1500 calories a day and exercise 300 of them off.  This was still a bit extreme and I probably should have been eating more but my body quickly fell into rhythm and my weight loss averaged 10-15lbs per month.  This new diet became my lifestyle change soon.  I was able to stick with eating right and not even having to put much thought into it.  The weight kept coming off and I was loving the results!  By June, 2008 I had reached 185lbs and I felt very comfortable with myself.  I took a break on the exercising and started eating a little worse than I had allowed in the past 7 months. 

After the summer passed, I was ready to get back into the exercising/dieting groove.  I just began doing what I had before, eating lots of fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole grains.  The weight was much harder to take off this time.  I tried not to get discouraged but by April, 2009 (almost 6 months of staying on my "diet"), I had only lost 20lbs.  At 165, I was comfortable but still felt like there was more weight to come off.  I started working harder at exercising, walking 2.5 miles per day and doing the Shred dvd 6 days a week.  By October, 2009, I reached 150lbs and Mark and I decided to have baby #2 since I was healthy and in shape.

During the pregnancy I gained 25lbs, which I pretty much lost without trying within a couple of months, and was sitting right back at 150lbs.  My step-mom-in-law bought our family a gym pass at our local recreational center and starting in January, I began going to the gym 6 days a week, hour and a half each day.  I bumped up my protein intake and planned out a routine to build muscle and eliminate fat.  By April, 2011, I reached 135lbs and was toned and looking the best I had ever (minus the massive amount of excess skin)!  And that brings us to my current day surgery and complications...   =/

Yesterday my temp was a little higher than normal (my general temp is low), my blood pressure was whack and I was having cold chills with goose bumps and sweating at the same time.  Today I woke up and I'm very achy around the wound area so I'm a little freaked out the infection may be coming back =( =(  The drainage in the wound vac is yellow instead of red, too.  Beth will be here tomorrow so we'll see if it's gotten any better.  I pray so!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Every rose has it's thorn

I keep telling my brain to rid itself of the anger, and I try to persuade my heart to feel less than broken but I'm stuck in this funk of a life.  It seems that not so long ago, "normalcy" was taken for granted and the ease of doing simple tasks never registered as something I should be thankful for.  Yesterday, I attempted to do some light housekeeping and even though there was no weight lifting, just being on my feet for so long made me feel bushwacked.

Mark mowed the lawn when he got off of work and I told my son he could go out and play in the yard and the poor thing didn't want to come back inside.  His summer up until this point has been spent indoors with me... I feel so bad. He's almost 4 and needs his outside time to expend energy but the heat just knocks me out and makes me feel ill.  I'm glad Mark has the energy to get him outside when he can and play with him. 

I'm trying not to have regrets about this surgery but it's hard to imagine that my abdomen will look decent after the recovery and surgery to close the wounds. Going into the surgery, I dreamed about the bikini's I would wear this summer, about the jeans I could fit into without having the muffin top hang over, and about how happy I would be.... I never imagined 6 weeks after the surgery I would be suffering, stuck at home and unable to care for my own children.  I know there is no going back and it's a waste of energy to dwell on the past but I'm angry, saddened and I need to work through these emotions before I can overcome them.  My general practitioner started me on an anti-depressant and anxiety pill (Lexapro) so hopefully with the help of medication and finding ways to relax and stay optimistic will aid in the mental healing.  Writing is a great relaxer for me so that's why I'm here, putting my story in the open and letting it all hang out =) 

On a total better note, my home nurse came out yesterday to change the dressings on the wounds and she said that I'm recovering incredibly fast.  I have healed 4cm of the tunnels and the skin is fresh and healthy around the wounds.  I've been terrified of the area getting reinfected or having necrosis but God is on my side and allowing my recovery to be speedy.  I wish I could say the pain was minimal but the wound changes are almost unbearable.  I can feel everything and even though I close my eyes and try to breathe through it, the pain is excruciating.  I can't help but be angry that I'm still dealing with so much pain this far after the initial surgery, too.  I just want NORMAL back =/

Of course I have pictures ;-)  .... this is the wound 6.20.11, 9 days after surgery, 5 days after wound vac:





Saturday, June 18, 2011

To my supporters

For all of you that have written me here or privately messaged me, I want to send out a huge THANK YOU.  The support is appreciated!!!  Amy, your words are kind and help me to understand that people go through this, they bounce back and I will be ok =)  thank you and God bless you!  I pray that your healing is pain free and quick!!  To CCF- I am glad that I was able to give you insight about your upcoming procedure and I pray that everything goes well for you.  Please keep in mind that millions of people have tummy tucks each year and nothing goes wrong and their healing is fast and painless.  I, however, was given a different route and led to educate and inspire others that may go through trauma. 

Kathy, you know you've been my rock since the decision was made to have surgery.  You've been here to support me, show me kindness and love, and I appreciate your calls, texts, messages and notes.  I love you.  Your church family is amazing and I can see why you are a part of them.  Their cards and messages were so kind and personal, I felt like they knew me.  The prayers are working and I am healing quickly with minimal pain.

Mom, you've really come through for me on this... I know it's been a long rocky road for us but through it all, I love you with all of my heart and I feel the love is returned.  You have showed up every day, given me words of encouragement, helped me to stay strong and focused.  Without your company and help, I would have been a wreck.  I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all that you have done.

To my friends & family, thank you for the calls and texts. Rachel came by the hospital and picked up Mark a cheesecake (his favorite) for his birthday... Mark always used to say, "it's not a birthday without a cake." I can't tell her enough how much this meant!  Even though we were celebrating in the hospital, he got to have his cake and was overjoyed =) 

This journey I'm on, though it seems never-ending, has been educational, terrifying, and traumatic.  I feared for my life.  I feared my kids would be without a mother.  But ya know what, I made a promise to myself about a year and a half ago that I wouldn't spend my life in a negative way. I wouldn't allow myself to feel anger, jealousy, regret, hate, etc. I had gone through so much negativity growing up and I was just done with it.  Through all of this, I was so angry I couldn't even think straight but today I remembered that promise... so from this point on, I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm done being angry that this happened and I'm done regretting.  I will live and think of all of my blessings!  I have an amazing husband, two beautiful, intelligent, healthy children and I'm alive to enjoy it.  That's enough for me =)

PS- if anyone has a problem messaging me on here, please feel free to email me at ginger.kabureck@yahoo.com

Friday, June 17, 2011

5 weeks post op

Normally when you read about someone being 5 weeks post op, their life is back to normal, they're getting ready to start going back to the gym and the scarring is already looking better.  I, however, am starting back at step 1. Actually, I can't even say I'm at step 1 considering I'm still an open wound... so once I've been sewn back together (in 2-3 weeks), then I can say I'm back to step 1... hmm.. great.

My home nurse, Beth, came today and she is quite the character.  I explained everything that I've been through over the last 5 weeks and she was very interested.  It's nice to get to tell someone on the outside what I've gone through and to hear their input.  She is funny and talkative, I'm really glad I have someone so personable coming out checking on me.  My mom was also here, she has been great in coming over keeping me company, cooking me food, washing my hair and being my errand runner.

After doing the history and chart check up, she took off the wound vac dressings to check out the wound.  She said that it looked very healthy and fresh and no dead or infected tissue so that's a plus.  She then did measurements and I was SHOCKED to find out that the hip wound stretches back 9cm from where the opening is into my back.  It's just a bunch of dead space where tissue was pulled from! I tried to capture this with the camera but you can't really see the depth....



You can see in this picture, the hip wound stretches to my back and down my hip.  The hip "hole" stretches down 7cm and around to the back 9cm.

I still can't believe this is me.  I can't go back and change anything but even Dr. Bradley said that if he could do anything different, he would have put me in a compression garment which would have prevented the hematoma.  Just makes me sick to my stomach. How did I get here?  I am not allowed to go enjoy my summer.... my 4 year anniversary was spent throwing my guts up. My husband's 26th birthday was spent in the hospital and my 27th birthday will be spent at home, attached to a wound vac =/  How in the world will life ever get back to normal?? Or will it?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

home sweet home =/

Last night I got home and it was so sad... Anna kept staring at me like I was a big chocolate brownie- she wanted me but I couldn't hold her =(  My son came running up and kissed me like 10 times and hugged me and kept saying "I'm so excited!!!" over and over. He asked me about my "purse" or better known as a wound vac and I explained that mommy's old boo-boo had to get opened up because it had bad germs and now it's a bigger boo-boo and this machine takes all the germs out for mommy.  He looked at it a second and then said, "I really like your machine!" LOL  he's such a riot. I'm so happy to be back with my babies!!!

Today they're at great grandma Kabureck's.... she's 73 and having to watch both kids =/  we don't have anyone else that can watch them during the day though.  Anna is going to be so much on her because she gets around really well now.  I hate being a burden on people =(

I took the time to call Dr. Bradley's office (note: they haven't called me!) and Mary Ann told me to come in at 1:00 p.m.  haha I said, "um, I'm home bound and am not allowed to leave for 3-4 weeks."  She said Dr. Bradley will have to call me. No "how are you?" No "is everything ok?"  No empathy whatsoever!  I'm getting a little frustrated with their office and when I say a little I mean A LOT!  If I were a doctor and my patient ended up in the emergency room and then had to have an operation, I'd be calling them and making sure they were ok! Ugh I could have died. As my mom always says, you can't legislate love. Well, I can't legislate decency, professionalism or integrity...

Need to focus on future, not past. I'm trying to not think of all the "what-if's" but the "what-can's"... what can I do to kill 3 weeks of free time?! this is just insane. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

everything has changed...

life is so stressful... my bath today was just pathetic.  I had to wipe down with medical shower wipes and wash my hair with a shower cap filled with shampoo and conditioner in it.  The nurses here feel so sorry for me because I'm a crying mess and they helped me braid my hair =/  Thank God my mom was here to help me "bathe" otherwise I don't know if I would have gotten a "shower" haha!  I keep trying to think positive... like it could be worse, right?! But I'm still just beside myself.  How does this happen?!  I'm in so much pain and constantly uncomfortable... ugh... My face is breaking out with acne, either the stress or the fact that I haven't had a real shower in a week.  And before that, I had the whole penrose drain so I didn't get real showers then, either.  It's been so long since I could function like a regular person.

Now I am getting hooked up to a wound vac machine that will be attached to me 24/7 for the next 3-4 weeks.  It's loud so I'm going to have trouble sleeping and my birthday (June 29) and the kids' birthdays are pretty much ruined (July 4 & July 6).  I'm so sad.... the kids will be staying at great grandma Kabureck's during the week when Mark is at work and he'll have to pick them up on his way home.  I'm going to miss out on a lot of time with them- maybe miss Anna's first steps =( 

I'll be doing my follow up care with Dr. Camp (the doctor that removed the pus pocket) because she's covered by my insurance and she's the one who did the surgery.  Dr. Bradley's office hasn't even called to see if I was okay =(  I called them to give them an update on how I was doing and Dr. Bradley was quick to get off the phone, saying he was headed into surgery and had to go but that he would take care of me and talk to me later... nice. I could have used some sympathy haha 

More pictures from my stay at the hospital...

how I get to wash my hair =/

this is my mom helping me "wash"my back.... I don't know how I'll do it without help =(





this picture shows the wound vac set up.  There are white sponges under the black that help to keep the form of the skin. The nurse comes out Friday to change the dressings and the wound vac. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

day 3 of hospital retreat =/

When I began this blog, I hoped to create a place for women to come so they could share their fears or concerns and get information from a personal stand point on what a body lift and breast lift involves.  Never did I think I'd be one of "those" people that has a bad experience with cosmetic surgery.  Sure, I knew there were risks of infection but was that something I needed to concern myself with?  No! That could never happen to me.

Yet.... here I am, day 3 of being stuck in the hospital... barely able to walk. I haven't seen my children in 3 days.  I'm sick to my stomach.  No one should EVER have to go through this.  I'm trying to not think of the what-if's but maybe that will help others.  So, what if I'd have made Dr. Bradley prescribe me an antibiotic after he took out the penrose drain?  What if I had gotten a compression garment right after the surgery where the hematoma would have never formed?  What if I had gone to the ER when I woke up drenched in the yellow/orange fluid that was said to be serous fluid?  What else could I have done to prevent this?!  For those of you planning on cosmetic surgery, think of these things and get on top of them BEFORE you get stuck in the hospital.... you can never be too careful!

If Dr. Camp decides to use a wound-vac on my 2 open wounds, then I will also have to pay $200 and then 10% of whatever a wound vac costs.  Kinda crappy!  Dr. Camp, by the way, is the surgeon who removed the pus pockets... apparently Dr. Bradley doesn't have an affiliation with any hospital...?!  Wish I'd have known this prior to surgery because yes, it would have made a difference.  He is an excellent surgeon but he can't even follow up with me because I need hospital care. Which brings me to another point, ask your doctor what hospital you will need to go to in case of emergency and whether or not he is on staff.  If your doctor is not affiliated with any hospital, I would recommend selecting another doctor.  I didn't even know to ask this... I just assumed. ha!

Monday, June 13, 2011

lucky to be alive I'm told...

Saturday afternoon (June 11, 2011) I came to the Memorial Hospital ER to find out what the hard lump on my left hip was (see previous post for picture).  After spending about 4 hours in the ER, I had a CT Scan done and then after waiting an hour for the results, found out that I had a massive pus pocket! This stretched from the area where my hematoma was drained to my left hip. The ER doctor informed me that I would have to get the pocket removed by operation.

Dr. Linda Camp performed the surgery... the initial guess was that the pus pocket was 9x3x15cm, but she said to me after the operation that the pus extended to the right side of my body, down my left hip, around to my back and up by my belly button.  She cut along the incision previously made by Dr. Bradley.  I went into surgery some time around 11p.m. and got into my recovery room around 1:30 a.m.  After Dr. Camp explained that the pus pocket was much larger than expected, she informed me that I would have 2 wide open wounds that would have to heal from the inside out so no infection was trapped in.

I am in severe pain, on 6mg of morphine every 2 hours and still feel like hell =(  I can't believe I'm here at the hospital and dealing with this.  I had to be operated on!  It started to all sink in....

Sunday, Dr. Camp came to change my wound dressings and I got to see what I was dealing with for the first time.... warning... it's disgusting and graphic!!!






Yeah.... so I cried. Like all day.  And all night.  I'm so upset. How the fuck does this happen?!?!?!  I was so careful and now I have these HUGE holes in me that are going to take AT A MINIMUM 2 months to heal!  The test results of the pus came back and I have BOTH strep infection and a staph infection!!!!!!!!!   I am a mommy of 2 small kids and I can't even pick up my babies for a month!  Their birthday parties are going to be cancelled because I won't be healed enough by July 2 to host a party =(  It's my daughter's first birthday =( =( =( =(

The changing of the dressing is SOOOOOOO painful.  I scream every time they pull out the gauze and stuff new gauze back in even with the morphine.  I don't even care what the scar looks like, I want to be healed with no death scare!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And when am I going to get a regular shower?  Or be able to stretch my arms, or bend over to pick something up?!  My life is so jacked!  I'm trying to stay positive but the last 4 weeks have been HELL and it only is getting worse! 

Dr. Camp explained to me that I'm lucky to be alive.... the infection started where the penrose drain from the hematoma had been removed and had spread to a large amount of my abdomen... yet it never went to my blood stream which would have easily taken my life =/

Will update when I get out of this hospital bed =(

Saturday, June 11, 2011

WILL IT EVER END?!?!?!?!

HEADING OUT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM SOON!!!!

That's right!  WHAT THE F!?  I called Dr. Bradley yesterday & he said everything about the yellow/orange fluid was normal, keep it covered, keep compression garment on, yada yada.  Fears gone.

THENNNNNNN

About 30 minutes ago I noticed this knot....


on the side of my left hip =(  So, me being about ready to puke and have another freak out session, has Mark call Dr. Bradley.  He's in New York and can't see me so I have to get to the E.R.  Well, I have to find a babysitter and get everything ready for the sitter so it's not like I can just GO.  I'm sitting here FREAKING out and think I'm going to die.  Dr. Bradley said I'd need a MRI or a CAT scan to identify the fluid and then they would decide what to do then.  I'm going to barf.  I don't have the stomach for things like this =/  This knot is about the size of an orange, bright red and hard as a rock.  It's warm to the touch which makes me think infection..... ugh!  

Friday, June 10, 2011

4 weeks post op

Yesterday I ended up swelling back up. It's like all the fluid I had leaked out came back and waa-laa, back to hell =(  In the past 4 weeks I have gone through a series of struggles and I feel I should be much further along with my healing:

May 13, 2011 - - - had my surgery

May 21, 2011 - - - first opening on my right side, didn't leak fluid but as of 4 weeks, is still an open sore and doesn't appear to be closing or healing anytime soon

May 22, 2011 - - - spot opens on my incision straight below belly button and leaks black, thick blood

May 26, 2011 - - - another small opening in my incision forms next to the first and is also leaking the thick, black blood.  first anxiety attack, can't sleep through the night and having sharp chest pains

May 27, 2011 - - - hematoma is diagnosed and drained, penrose tube inserted in opening

June 2, 2011 - - - penrose drain taken out

June 5, 2011 - - - beginning of the swelling on the left side of my belly button down to the incision area, about a 4x3in area

June 8, 2011 - - - leak out a large amount of yellowish/orange fluid (through gauze pads, underwear, garment, tank top, and pants

June 10, 2011 - - - large area swollen again and squishy fluid in my stomach (seroma?)---see pics below



this is my view ^^^


2 weeks ago I had an "outty" belly button =/




At least I'm healing nicely in back....   =/ 




The first side picture is at 2 weeks post op, the next one is at 4 weeks post op.  I looked much better 2 weeks ago!  I'll be calling Dr. Bradley's office as soon as they open today to see what should be done... here we go again....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

another stepping stone

Wednesday night I couldn't sleep at all again =/  getting so tired of this.... I just want to feel normal!  I think what initially got me upset was I had started swelling really bad and was terrified I'd have to get another drain put in.  Last night I went to bed praying for the best and I woke up soaked in a yellow-orange drainage mess.  During the night (one in which I actually slept), I must have drained out all the excess fluid from the same spot the penrose drain had been placed.  I cleaned up and put another gauze pad on.  Have felt 100% today, with no nausea, tiredness or feelings of anxiety =)  The drainage has stopped and my stomach is no longer hurting at the incision site.  I will give Dr. Bradley's office a call even though I'm pretty sure this is normal and just took a little longer to come out.  I don't think there is an infection because I have no fever and haven't had one in the last week, there is no odor, no green color, no hard or thick spots, and no pain anymore.  Lucky me =)  I did my research on what to expect with tummy tuck/body lift surgery and nothing could have prepared me for all of this. Dr. Bradley said that where the penrose drain was would dry up and quit draining after 3-4 days and now it has been a full week and I'm having more drain than ever!  I'm 4 weeks post op as of tomorrow and have really been through a lot and getting pretty exhausted with it all!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

blah....

well I'm 3 weeks and 4 days post op and feeling pretty terrible =/  I've had flu like symptoms, swelling like crazy and am sore EVERYWHERE.. I haven't been able to keep down any food or even water, I'm dizzy everytime I stand up and my head is pounding... this sucks =(  It seems like it's been so long since I've just felt like myself.  I want to spend this summer having some fun but that doesn't seem possible.

Dr. Bradley gave me ativan after my anxiety attack and that helped a lot... then I went to my general practitioner and told him what was going on and he wanted to put me on lexapro to help with stress, anxiety and depression, so I started taking that Sunday night. Not a big fan of taking medication but hopefully I never have to experience another anxiety attack!

I started using silicone strips for the scars Sunday, too.  Dr. Bradley recommends Sammons Preston brand so that's what I have =)  They were pretty expensive and they are a huge pain in the bum to use at all but oh well, guess it's worth it. 

Pretty much feel like crap so I'll write more later and take pics when I can.  I'm pretty worried about this swelling; praying it's not the hematoma coming back =( =(

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

2 weeks 5 days post op

Yesterday I was supposed to get the penrose drain out but unfortunately, it's still draining so Dr. Bradley wanted to leave it in and check on Thursday if it was ready to come out.  I hope so!  My first 2 weeks post op have been such an experience.  I've gone through pain, depression, anxiety, anger and been completely helpless.  There is nothing that can quite prepare you for cosmetic surgery.  I am trying to just live it out, see the bigger picture, and remember my reasons for doing this but I just want normal back.  I want to pick my son up and swing him around. I want to not jump every time someone gets close to me because I think they might bump into me.  I want to be happy again.  I've been in a good mood the last few days but I'm not quite myself.  I want to laugh and think about all of the fun my little family is going to have this summer.  But then, when I mention little things like taking the kids places, my husband reminds me that this summer we're buckling down so that we can get surgery paid off.  I understand and it's the right thing to do, just makes life even more depressing..... I want to get out and have fun and not worry about every penny =( 

On the bright side, I'm not in any pain, I can stand up straight, I can sleep on my side, and my swelling has gone down enough where I can fit into some of my old clothes =)  Dr. Bradley asked me yesterday if I was happy with my breast size and said he thought maybe he had made them too big. At first I hesitated, and said, "they're okay, will take some getting used to."  But then when I got home, I did a double look and I like the size....just want to see them fully healed! I'm happy I went with a larger pair because with my big arms and broad body, I think they actually fit me pretty well.

Here are some pictures from today... incision is looking excellent! Nice, smooth line and not many problem areas except for in the front. 


Little bumpy right under the tattoo but other than that, it's a thin, flat scar =)




 And..... drum roll please.......



BIKINI SHOT!!!  I'm so excited to get my body toned back up so I can actually see those abs I worked so hard for!  Dr. Bradley said I can start walking, but no major aerobics where I stretch the scar for 6 weeks.  I'll be the happiest girl ever when I hit the gym like I used to; 6 days a week, running 2 miles per day and an hour of strength & ab work.  I know it'll take some time to get back to where I was considering I'll be out of the gym for 7 weeks total but that's nothing in the scheme of things.  I've got the motivation, determination and access to get my body looking as perfect as possible =)